Scenario #1 – It’s 3am, the baby is screaming his head off, and you and the wife are exhausted. Neither of you want to get up to get him, but know that one of you must…what do you do?
A. Roll over, pretend you’re so tired you didn’t hear anything, and crank it up a notch by pretending to snore.
B. Play Rock, Paper, Scissors with her for the honor of getting up. If you win, make sure not to gloat…if you lose, bring the ear plugs!
C. Remember that it’s your own fault that there is a screaming baby in the house, be a man, let your tired wife sleep, and take the kid somewhere where he won’t wake her up.
Answer: For the first few weeks it’s definitely C. Then when you head back to work and she gets to stay home with the kid for a while, it turns into A. When you’re both at work, guess what…B it is!
Scenario #2 – You’re out to lunch with your wife and child. You’ve polished off a beer (or two), you’ve just been served your food, and the kid decides to start chucking his food at whoever makes the poor decision to walk by your table…what do you do?
A. Pick him up, walk him around the restaurant, and hope that he calms down.
B. Hide under the table until he runs out of food and pray that no one you know comes by.
C. Apologize to the guy with a pea up his nose, ask for doggie bags, and book it at warp speed!
D. Tip WAAY too much!
Answer: We’ve done them all…but I strongly recommend D. I find anything is excusable if you tip enough.Scenario #3 – Your wife just left for a 2-hour hair appointment, it’s just you and the kid at home (unless you count the dogs, but they never seem to help)....and he starts crying at a volume that makes your ears bleed….you’ve done the “usual stuff” like check his diaper, offer him food, burp him, etc…and nothing helps….what do you do?
A. Call your wife, tell her that her hair still looks great and that you can give her a trim later, but she really REALLY needs to come home now!
B. Two words….Sock Puppets
C. Turn on Bob Marley, because “Every little thing’s…gonna be alright!”
D. Remember that it’s your own fault that there is a screaming baby in the house, be a man, and do your best.
Answer: Ok, I liked D so much from the first scenario that I thought it was worth repeating! As for C, not only does Bob Marley work, but so does Jimmy Buffett and Jack Johnson…something about that type of music…or maybe our kid is just into chillin’!
Scenario #4 – The kid is starting to develop some habits that you’d wish he’d stop doing…such as blowing bubbles/drinking from the dog’s water bowls, giving the dogs way too much of his food at dinner time, messing with the electronic equipment, and throwing your DVD’s around the living room. However, whenever you say the word “no”, he immediately slams his head into the floor (no matter what type of floor he is on), thus leaving a bruise, scratch, or lump on his forehead….what do you do?
A. Buy a helmet and super glue it to his head
B. Pad every inch of floor in your house, and bring portable mats with you on all trips.
C. Instead of saying “no”, use phrases like “please don’t”, or “let’s do this instead” and relocate him to a different area of the house
D. Keep the dog’s water in the garage where he can’t get to it, put them outside when it’s dinner time, elevate the electronic equipment, and put the DVD’s somewhere else.
Answer: This is actually a trick question…the truth is…I HAVE NO IDEA! Seriously, it seems like D would work…but there are only so many places in the house to put stuff, and as he gets bigger, he can pretty much access any of them…at some point (soon hopefully) he’ll figure out that it hurts to do the head slam, so until then I think we’re just stuck with it.
Good luck future Daddy’s of the world…you’re going to need it!
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